Ennui
Wake up to the sound of cars whizzing by on the 8 freeway. Get off the suede couch with a sore back and a dry throat. Nose all stuffed and blocked up.
“Shit, I’m still alive?” (The daily mantra from within)
No job and school starts tomorrow. Birthday is next week and I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to. Got to apply to graduate but not sure if I want to walk. It all seems distant and non-existent.
I’m a robot. Numb, faceless and unforgiving. I’m an abuser of my youth and once again I feel so lost and purposeless. Well that’s because I’m comfortable. I don’t really want anything and I can live to be old but I’ve lived vicariously through movies, stories and imagination.
I’m also selfish. I guess being selfless is more difficult than it seems. Fucking people. Everybody is weird. What’s important any ways, feeling important? Power, wealth, and fame?
Ahh I suppose maybe life isn’t really as special and magical as you would think. Behind the curtain is just a bunch of people who do ordinary things.
All false and not as shiny as I once believed. Silly expectations and ways we were socialized….. but now I’ve realized.
I want to burn all my belongings but I’m too attached. I think I can survive but maybe I just don’t want to work all day for things I don’t need. Spending the time on hoping it will make me happier only to get it and move on yet again never fully satisfied.
At every threshold you might lose something but then there you go again, growing older. Lots to look forward to but then you look back remember.
When you get old, all the things that mattered don’t really seem so important anymore. All the simple things become more valuable but it’s lost forever.
The conundrum of life.
There are only so many things. But this is all there is. No longer about survival but making money and devoting our lives to monotony.
Focus, hard work and adversity.
I hate being a perfectionist.
I know there is something wrong with me. I don’t want to take drugs to feel better. Although Prozac did feel like a whole different reality. But even so, I always feel as if there’s something missing. But it’s okay I’m passive about it. Forget it, avoid it, delete it, absorb it.
It’s interesting how i can feel really lonely but also extremely scared and shy and worthless with another person. Nothing to say and nothing to talk about. Just another day.
Let’s just mow through this semester. Graduate and live with my parents and sit on my ass all day waiting for something to happen. Ignorance is bliss but not if you’re intelligent :(
